Of Scorched Earth and Suicide

IMG_20140501_100447_374There’s something destructive about us.  Something that wants to tear up and bring pain.  Something that wants to perhaps finally get a piece of victorious revenge on this place called earth.  There is something in each of us that is prone to self-destruct…and sometimes bring others in our wake.

I really don’t know exactly why it is…maybe pain or hurt or shame or just plain weariness.  But it is part of us–all of us.

Someone brings us hurt, intentionally or not, and we swing back with cutting words to make them bleed.  We scorch the earth, leaving in our wake–pain and destruction.  Do we really care?  Well yes, we do.  But at the time, we somehow have reached the end of our ability to stop ourselves from bringing someone else pain. We let the chips fall where they may.

Or we feel cornered and without hope, in our ability, we cannot find a place to stand.  So we consider…maybe this life would be better without us…

The key words in both scenarios above are these, “in our ability”.

We need Jesus–in the flesh Jesus–not some “I wish I may, I wish I might” Jesus, but JESUS Himself.

In His ability, I can refrain from speaking words, burning hotly on my tongue…that would sear others and leave them in pain.

In His ability, I can find a new perspective when I feel cornered and without hope…I can tie myself to His saving Presence and find that with His help, I can stand, I can fight, I can be all that He means for me to be.

In His ability, I can find that when I make mistakes, I can get past them. I can walk victoriously on.

In His ability, I can turn the lens of what I see into the clear vision that He sees–it is often quite different.

In His ability, I can let go of all that gives me a false sense of security and I can find TRUE security in all that He is…with Him rightly on His throne, I can see that He ever worketh to bring ALL things under His authority.  And He is on my side!

In His ability, I can turn those who have hurt me over to Him to mercifully and rightly handle them.  In LOVE. In Justice. Evermore.

In His ability, I can walk and even RUN!  I CAN DO THIS!  I CAN DO THIS!  With You, Jesus, YES, I CAN scale this wall.

In His ability, I can live purposefully and victoriously above the fray.  I can live out the very certain and much needed part I play in this world.

So can YOU.

It’s all because of Jesus.  It is all because He IS right here.  It is because He is compassionate and has LOYAL love for us.  It is because, we have a purpose to live at this point of the timeline.


We matter to Him.

We matter to others.


Sometimes, we get confused and lose our way. It only takes a moment to shift back…just a simple prayer.

Lord, I am weak, You be strong. Lord, I am hurt, You Defend. Lord, I ache in the innermost part of my being. Will You mend me once again? Lord, I rest now in trust and believe that I have laid this fully and firmly at your feet.  Restore right thinking to me.  Grant that I may only speak words of GRACE to others.  Grant that I may take all of this pain and give it over to You.  You are enough, Lord Jesus.  You are enough.

Then LOVE it out.

You thought I meant LIVE?

No I said LOVE.  I meant LOVE.

Love it out, EVEN and ESPECIALLY, when you hurt.

You won’t ever be sorry for LIVING a LIFE of LOVE.

Let’s be known for that, huh?  Not for scorched earth…not for giving up on hope.  Let’s embrace the love of God, even when we don’t feel like it.  Pray to begin feeling like it.  Yes, even towards your enemies. Especially towards them…

They will know we are His by how we love.  Love it out.



Summertime is Over

Whew! I probably say this every year, but where did the summer go?  Today I just wanted to send out an update, while I take a quick breather from catching up on work-related items.

Summertime is over for us.

We have just returned late Monday night from our family vacation/reunion in Arkansas and are already in FULL SWING for back to school registrations.

This year we have TWO in high school!  One is in sixth grade and he’s SO excited to begin band (French horn). And our youngest is in second grade–we are homeschooling her this year again, as we continue to battle some visual input issues and dyslexia.  Our hope is to get reading fully and strongly under her belt, so she can re-enter our wonderful school district here.

So right now I am thanking God for the wonderful summer we have enjoyed–looking back.  And I am looking ahead to a new season, filled with a lot of uncertainties and ONE SURE certainty–GOD IS FAITHFULLY AT WORK.

This year I have been reading my Bible in the NET version and over and over and over they use the words, LOYAL LOVE, that God has for us.  I think that is enough for us to rest, yes, even in the uncertainties, don’t you?  I often remind Him that we are His own and we reflect and bear His Name–and I ask Him to guard his NAME over and in us.  He is able to do just that.

So on those facts, plain and simple–He has loyal love towards us and He guards His Name in us. Those are pillars for us to rest upon…and maybe eat some grapes right there, in our reclining state.

Speaking of grapes, I am beginning a new regimen tomorrow called the 21 day fix.  I am so looking forward to it!  Basically I measure out what I eat each day for 21 days and continue my faithful exercise routine.  I am really excited about it.  Ever since the old food pyramid, I have really been off with the amounts of the various kinds of food and quantities that are healthy.  So I am trying to re-train my brain.  My friend Meredith sells the 21 day fix here, if you’d like to check it out.

One goal I have this fall is to blog here more regularly.  I am losing my way in writing, I can feel it.  So if you are willing, I will write more (and most of it will be chaff) and get back in practice.  I have totally stopped writing here, since the season for AMH seems to have ended.  I sure did love that time there!  I love the women I had the privilege of ministering beside. It is bittersweet–for I know that that time was His own and He has used it (still is using it, by the stats of folks still finding gems there) and I know that He is leading us further along.  I daresay, we have many turns and curves and goodbyes to come over the next year.  It is just part of life.

Before I end with some pictures, I wanted to just say how very sorry I was to hear about Robin Williams.  I really am grieving the loss of his life and the pain that his family and friends are enduring must be beyond beyond.  I pray for them.  I am crying right now thinking of it all.  But I wanted to say that I was such a fan of Mork and Mindy at age seven and up that I even owned the GAME!

I have been a fan of his all my life, I guess–loving some movies more than others.  I guess my favorite movie is really one that people rarely mention, but I loved the creativity and thought-provoking message of it (though it was empty in some parts without the hope of Christ). It is What Dreams May Come–such joy as they splashed through the paint-filled landscape! Such sorrow at the forever loss of a loved one…I don’t think I will ever be able to watch it again in light of his death.

But one that I loved to laugh through and will watch with my family is RV.  It is just such a great movie for the family, I think.  And it captures our busy, work-filled culture and life so well. And it points to some good answers about what is truly important in life–family, friendship and being honest about ourselves…even embracing the harder truths.  Just come clean about it, I think.

Well that’s all for today, work beckons and it must be done.

Here are some pics from our last few weeks:

This was one our zoo sent out and I LOVE to see his furry-furriness!!



Here are two of my family at the Great Wolf Lodge in Kansas City…the second picture is my favorite!

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Here is one of my favorites–such a precious family to me are the Smiths. They love me as their own daughter. God certainly puts the lonely in family.



Today is…

Holly and Chris

…the anniversary of my Chris’ and my first date–24 years ago!

He was just sharing last night with me again about how the night before our date, he had stopped by a friend’s to pick up his copy of The Complete Sherlock Holmes and thought basically, “What kind of girl would care to read such a book?  Is there any girl out there like that anymore?”

Well, there was me…an avid reader!

The next night we had a blind date.

Now we had attended the same high school and heard of one another, but had never met.  He had prayed over my National Honor Society induction.  I had typed his name in the newspaper for various things like his competing in math team and computer science team for UIL and he was a National Merit Scholar, too!

But we had never met before!  And that was likely a very good thing.

You see, my Chris?  Well, he likes to tease.  And I had been (then not now) a pretty good grudge holder.  So I daresay I would never have forgiven him for some sort of light teasing.  God knew that!

So my friend’s mama set us up.  We went on a double date with my friend and her boyfriend to see…wait for it!…


Yep, RoboCop.  At least it was sandwiched with eating at one of my favorite places in Longview, Texas: The Butcher Shop and after the movie, we played putt putt.

It was a glorious beginning.  And so wonderful how God came in and brought to me the one I had long been in search of.  God knows best.  And for that, I am so grateful!

Like that song by Garth Boorks called Unanswered Prayers.  I thank God so very much that He did not heed my begging heart.  But rather, He lifted my chin and reminded me of the child of the King that I am, that I need not beg…and He gave me the best.  And not only that, but THE BEST pursued my heart.

And he has loved it well ever since.

Tonight we celebrate that sweet night…and we plan on dreaming about our future for the next 24 years…and so on!

We plan on seeing Godzilla at the dollar movie and a buy one get one free entree at PF Changs thanks to our Bear card that we just got. YeeHAW!  I can’t wait!