In the quiet spaces in my brain, there is a lot going on. It’s like the years it takes for the rough edges of a rock thrown into the sea to become smooth and worn. I’d like to think that that process brings valued wisdom. I’d like to think that endurance is fostered and something new and beautiful is born.
That’s really how it has been for me mentally. I’ve been thinking a lot. I’ve been more tender emotionally. Physically, I feel like a horse at the gate, ready to go! But to be completely honest with you, I’m not sure where or how, so I wait–at the ready.
It’s like our lives have become like the book where you get to choose the next part, the next branch of the story, and each choice could end up in a completely different spot. ‘Sounds like choose your own adventure! But in reality, it is also filled with a LOT of mental processing, hardship, disappointment and loneliness.
When I saw those three pictures in Buena Vista, CO in March of 2014, I had no idea how it would all go. It was the point of choosing “the next” in the story. So we took our time, prayed it through and followed through ’til we reached the next branch of the story.
At this point, we have arrived at ONE sure outcome and several smaller ones, which we still do not understand. The ONE sure outcome is this: we have launched our Noah to college at Texas A&M. I feel like it took ALL of us to do it, as if we are all linked together and pushing him as far out as we can. For a year, he will be an Aggie by the Sea, then he will return here to finish for the next three years.
So I am now alone at home, about to begin my work day…it is quiet in the house. The other three kids are at school, and my Chris is at work. These are all some of the smaller outcomes. They are works in progress…and there is much for us to determine and pray through, yet. I am learning what it means to send off my first-born from the nest. It is hard for me and my Chris, but I am so pleased for Noah that it balances out. We are just so blown over by the love and provision of our faithful God, who began this good work in our Noah. And thankfully, I have learned the power of prayer, so I’m not afraid for him, but prayerful–entrusting Noah back to God (like Hannah in the Bible, maybe I should start making him a coat every year? But no, not in Texas…it’s too hot to really need a coat here much.)
In the quiet places in my brain, if I were to speak everything going on there, it would be no good. For there are thoughts that only the Lord can see. There are questions there, many wanderings. There are hopes. I cannot tell you much about this space, because it isn’t worked out to be voiced, yet. But it will someday. I feel certain of it.
But I can share this part…this is the part where we are currently living!
We go forward in this place with many loose ends still–over half of our stuff is in Colorado. We are saving to bring it here to a storage building. We are still in a rental home, and while I could say it is fine, sometimes, it just is not. With almost half of our stuff and the five of us packed in here, I don’t see much room for hospitality. Oh yes, we have hosted people here, quite a few even…but it’s like this: “Welcome to our sardine can, I hope you feel comfortable!” Ha! But it is a wonderful neighborhood. We love our neighbors! And it is right where we need to be right now. I just don’t feel very settled and sometimes I feel sad. So I’m operating in a place from a place of unsettledness and the outcome is sporadically and not confidently unfolding. I am slowly making friends, though none of them know me very well–and again it is very sporadic. And I am about to volunteer at a women’s prison, helping to teach a class on parenting–it too is in process and will likely begin in the spring. I need to get “badged” and get my Texas Driver’s license again (yes, I know…). Today I have a cold, so I am taking it easy — staggering chores with rest. So this is my rest part right here, writing this update. On the financial end, we are seeing the light. It looks like savings and a new beginning. For all the faith it took to get here, I’m not sure I realized that it would mean starting over financially. It has taught me much–God is faithful and provides for us, often at the final moment, when I am panicking. It has taught me about planning in advance for spending. I hardly ever buy anything on a whim–and if I do, it is often having us eat out, when the day has been too full for proper menu planning. That is something I am working on! In my heart, I have hope for many things–mainly for my children, but for us, I do pray for a home to buy (and a way to buy it) and getting all our stuff here. I do wish there was a magic wand to wave over this situation. My heart would feel more planted here, if I felt like I had a home base and had access to things I now think about and realize they are still in Colorado.
So that is it for today! I will close by sharing some family pictures from the summer. I pray each one of you are blessed and well and leaning into the Lord this day. He will not let you slip. Hold tightly to His hand with me!
Enjoy the slideshow!