“The sensation is like no other, it feels like you are floating but the rush of air tells you that you are falling.”
(from WikiHow) And welcome to my stream of consciousness today….
For 25 years, I have wanted to jump from a plane and skydive. Truly. About four years ago, however, my dreams were dashed when I found–to my surprise–that I have a hole in my heart. It was odd to me that I had gone through four pregnancies, four births, multiple upper respiratory infections and never had a doctor ever told me I had a heart murmur, though they listened to my heart every time I came in their presence.
To be honest with you, I don’t believe I had one before. But after our move to Colorado ten years ago this month and the terrible heartbreak that came with the complete loss of dear ones to me–a tearing experience to say the least, I believe I developed an actual hole. I really don’t think that it was there before. And then it was. Only God knows for sure.
Needless to say, with a heart murmur, I should not jump from a plane, it’s just too risky.
So God orchestrated a life-simulation for me–to feel the exhilaration of it and not risk my life.
When our current journey from Colorado to Texas began 1 1/2 years ago, the Lord told me a change was coming and then I saw the three pictures–of Chris, Noah and the Texas A&M insignia–I had no idea what this would really look like. I was open to a change, though I loved Colorado. I was willing to consider the ramifications and felt completely at ease in leaving the story in God’s hands, as He would then begin leading through my Chris.
So we jumped…we did everything necessary to ready our house for sale–and it sold, closing just four days ago. We investigated good schools here for the kids. We even went as far as getting a real estate agent here in College Station to be our boots on the ground. And we truly did not know how it would all work out. We really still don’t know how and when. For while we are here in a rental house with the kids settled into local schools, we still do not have a job for Chris and all of the work I had been doing has also come to an end, as far as I can tell.
I was reading through my journal over the past six months. It is full of fear and faith, of hope and trust and disappointment. Here is an excerpt from April 30th of this year:
Again we stand poised at this side of a journey. Deep down trusting. On the surface struggling and edgy. Feeling ambivalent. My heart is wrapped up in the details that are not made clear. I have questions. I have opinions. I have concerns. Watching my family walk this out is delightful. They are believing, anticipating, excited. And I wonder. I wonder what you have in store, Lord? It must be good. It must be very good.
And I began to think about it, we have jumped from the plane now, so how do we want this experience to play out?
Will we enjoy the view or will we scream the whole way down? Will we savor the moments and be thankful in them or will we squeeze shut our crying eyes and try to sleep away the time ’til it is over?
I admit, I have done both. If I were to write a journal entry today, here instead of in my journal, it might look like this:
Last night I was getting ready for bed, happy for the good things that happened, as we had lunch with our very favorite pastor Chris Osborne–it was such a GOOD time together– and also I was eager to just shut off my brain for a bit to catch up on my DVR shows. I especially avoided thoughts of a job for Chris, because nighttime is sleepy time and I tend to be more emotional and more unstable, lacking confidence, in the evening. There’s something about a new morning, a new day, that makes my confidence grow and my mind stays under control.
So as I sat up in my bed, our Noah came to let me know he needed some new clothes and some tennis shoes and that he needed me to pray he could find an ID number for registering for the next ACT coming up. I began, as I usually do…Noah this Friday is payday, but it is also when our rent is due, so the next two weeks are tighter. But then on the 16th, Daddy will be paid again and it should be fine then.
I said this all with a smile and what I hoped was positive and confident. But inside, I had opened a WELL OF THOUGHT. Oh dear Lord, that is our final paycheck! It will be a big one with other things in it, but Lord, it is the LAST ONE.
And I completely freaked out. Lord, are you there??
I went to sleep crying. You can tell today, for my eyes are puffy and red. For the fear overwhelmed me. The fear of the unknown. We have been enjoying the view, working so hard to move our stuff completely out of the house, driving back and forth to Colorado, leaving the bulk of our possessions in storage at my cousin’s place, still not knowing how we’d move it all, seeing that the closing had provided enough to pay everyone off, but really no extra to move and store our stuff here, watching the house that we want to buy here STILL be available (oh, I have prayed for months for the Lord to hold it for us, until we could buy it)…but we need a job. The buffer of the view is gone and now we are readying for the landing. Will it be a crash landing or smooth, I wonder?
Really I cannot tell you that it WILL be a smooth landing.
But this I know, the Lord, who brought us safely this far and who has done exceedingly, abundantly more than we asked or imagined, He will be with us. He will take care of us. And this will end well.
It’s a new day, and I realize that though we indeed jumped from a plane, as a family, there is a SEVENTH person in tandem with us–God Himself. We did not jump alone. We are not alone. He is still very much our Immanuel, God with us. He is still faithful in ALL He does.
And friends, He offers the same with you. It may not feel very safe, but it WILL be good. So follow God today. Trust Him to the hard, scary things. Know that He IS most certainly with you. Just ask Him to be an integral part of your life and follow where He leads.
The view? It is spectacular!
The rush? Whoa! There’s no extreme sport that can contend with it.
The healing? The Lord has indeed mended my ol’ heart, stitch by stitch–He did not remove the loss or pain of it, though. However, He has helped me through the loss to be healthier and make healthy decisions for the future. I’m saying, there is still a hole in my heart, but with proper choices, I can still live a long and good life.
The fruit? Our children and their children shall reap the harvest of a line of faith…and they, too, will be equipped to continue doing hard things in their generations, and they will be edified, knowing that God makes the impossibles, possible. Oh, He really does!
My only advice to you, friends, is that if you indeed take the leap and trust God, then be sure to tell about it, too. Sometimes, we need to be spurred into our great callings…or pushed…or badgered…INVITE others to it! On the other side, we will indeed have some stories to tell. And each and every one will be marked with these words: