Several months ago, knowing this whole jump to College Station would be hard and that there were endless details that needed to fall into place (expecting that all of them would before the move), I honestly looked at my Chris and sincerely asked, “Can you just knock me out and wake me when it’s over?”
And on this side of the jump, with details still not all tied up with a bow, some days I wish he had!
I feel electrified–like all the hairs are standing on end–and sensitive to any stimuli (good and bad).
I am unsettled in many ways…and I am edgy.
Upon telling my Chris this, he sweetly did not feign shock, but gently said, “You know what you do, when you feel this way? You get grounded.”
And I know the answer. I know that getting grounded is staying close to Jesus in prayer and song and in His Word. But sometimes, I just feel the “feels” of this time. And they are not all controlled and expected….they are various and come unexpectedly.
If you ever pray for God to increase your faith, as I have, you need to to be aware: This is a very dangerous prayer.
The only way for that to happen is to not be knocked out, while many months of surgery work to rewire your way of living, thinking, and existing. Really it is more than existing…it is jumping without knowing if your landing will be safe or how long the fall will actually last. It is deciding that normalcy and comfort will never again be achieved. Feet dangling in the air, wanting to find a landing spot.
Everything will begin to be a training of walking day-by-day, moment-by-moment, holding Jesus’ hand and asking for His direction for every step.
There is no business meeting to discuss the next month’s or even next week’s or day’s agenda. It is an ongoing meeting for the current day, about the current things going on.
Just do the next best/good thing has become my motto.
(Thanks, Julie and Beth–took both of your words to me and put them together!)
And then there are days, where I want to hide under my covers…and ask Him to increase my faith without me actually having to go anywhere or do anything. That’s really not going to achieve the goal. But then again, I am learning that faith is really more about receiving than achieving anyway. My job is to step into the next place he calls me to go with hands wide-open — ready to receive His gifts of grace along the way.
For today that meant meet the internet guy here at the rental home, while Chris took Tabor to the hospital to have his wrist x-rayed. He was tackled and fell at football practice yesterday. And it turns out, it is broken in two places. The wonderful and godly coach is keeping him with his group, so he can play when the injury heals. I’m so thankful that it didn’t close the door on the dream that had just begun. Also today, it meant that I spent a goodly amount of time in the Word and in prayer. It meant that I would use my GPS to go meet a friend for lunch, who feels like a friend and a sister to me. It meant that I would walk outside from the A/C into the most oppressive heat. And it meant that I would come home and do some chores, before the rest of the kids came home. Tabor stayed home to rest and has been laughing at funniest home videos on Netflix (thank you, internet man!).
Sometimes the steps are small and the wait is long. The phone doesn’t ring from the job interviewer. Time marches forward and details are still not tied up. But we are fine and cared for…just have to stay away from futuristic thinking. It only serves to frustrate my heart and make it anxious anyway!
So for now, I am staying grounded….and doing the next best/good thing.
Maybe this resounds with some of you on your own journeys. I’d sure love to hear about them–and would be so encouraged, too–to hear them to spur me along in my own faith.