I have a problem. Lately I’ve been thinking, I haven’t come very far from where I was when I was 9 years old.
When I was nine, I remember laying to bed every night and praying, “Lord, I haven’t sinned today.”
And I remember truthfully thinking about what I had or had not done that day. It’s kind of funny, really. For I know I DID in fact sin–every single day. But I just didn’t come clean about it with myself. You know when you are lying to yourself as a child that that trait will follow you on into adulthood.
So…is my current problem about me confessing I haven’t sinned every day? Nope.
My current problem is this: I’m a productivity junkie.
I’ve taken making moments count and made it an idol. Every minute of every day, I think I need to be busy doing something. It’s almost like I think someone is taking note of my time and keeping a ledger to account for my life each and every day.
Isn’t that crazy?
I love time management. It is something I think about often–not to the point of Cheaper by the Dozen’s Frank Gilbreth, Sr, but often enough that I am continually thinking about how I can multi-task each second–a productive second makes a happy Holly. If I’ve ever done work for you before, you can rely on me packing the moments with work, so that every hour counts.
I’ve taken “I can” into the realm of “I should”–therein lies the problem.
To be completely honest with you, I have laid this heavy burden on myself. I have an expectation to excel–to show that how I spent my day was valuable and worthy.
The problem is this.
It’s not much different than that prayer I prayed every night, as a nine year old girl. I’m still praying, “Lord, today I did not…” But now I’m adding that I did not waste time.
I did every bit of work I could fit into the day. And I know…I KNOW!…that the Lord is not keeping record of my productivity. In fact, NO ONE is. It is just me.
Here’s something I need to come clean about today with myself…I don’t have to be productive to matter.
Part of that issue is simply this: I have not been without constant work (except for two weeks of vacation last year) for two and a half years–the other vacations, I actually brought my work with me.
I am a workaholic.
When we do take a weekend trip or even on our vacation last summer, it takes me a couple of days to just let everything fade into the background. I have become that driven and uptight. I have hobbies and other things I like to do. But sometimes I’m too tired and spent to even enjoy them.
The glorious thing, though…and yes, I say glorious! Is that I have ONE person’s email in my web design work file right now. And she has a list of small things. After that? Well…after that I am taking a complete break from web design through the end of the summer.
Then I will re-evaluate.
God’s timing for this lull in web work is not coincidental.
He knows how spent I am. He has put His hand in the way, so that I will truly stop working for awhile. He also knows that my dear administrative partner Beth is about to have brain surgery again. (Please pray for her, as she faces surgery next week. Please pray especially for her family.) She is my right arm, my dear friend and prayer partner.
There are so many things I want to make count in my life–investments into my marriage, my children, friends and family, neighbors and all those whom God will send my way.
But web work? Well, it is a means to an end for the most part. I love all things creative– so very much. And my family has truly needed me to work in this season (In fact I also have been doing a spring/summer scoring job for state testing, writing and reading tests. I am part time administrative assistant to this lovely and awesome lady. Also I assist another godly guy at this cool site in a very part time way.)
It is wonderful how God has sent SO MANY wonderful ways I could serve and help my family–at the same time!
But I’m feeling that I need to hit the brakes work-wise on everything but the last two people for the summer.
It might hurt, as we cinch up our belts a bit.
I may start feeling like I’m lazy and not contributing to our family.
But I must. For there is something the Lord has shown me over and over and over…when I am still, He is speaking to me, Words of Life.
And I don’t want to miss Jesus! Not for anything.
What about you?