Not Much


Perhaps it is just life–and hard life at that–but I am finding that as I grow older, there are seasons when not much will touch my heart.  It begins with the game face in the midst of trouble.  And then when the “game”  (or trouble) has ended, it is hard once again to just let down my guard.

When I go to the doctor most times, they are always telling me to loosen up my arm.  I try, but I’m nervous and I have learned to guard or steel my expressions, my body even, to the environment.

Sometimes even, I try not to go into situations or even watch movies that will dig beneath.

And yet I pray.  I pray for a softness in my heart.  I pray for brokenness, that God may mend and set to rights the wrongly healed hurts. But not only that, I pray for a heart that loves deeply like Jesus’ heart does.

So this day, I awoke to some inner struggles of heart and mind for a mosaic of concerns and areas.  I brought them to God, but felt heavy-hearted and weary.

And do you know what the KINDNESS of God brought my way today?

I have had several reminders throughout the day–things done and word spoken, even from friends I had not spoken to in months!–that served as a testimony of God noticing my inner struggles and speaking directly to them.

I cannot say each and every one but they were things like…

every time I drive down our driveway and see the resurrection ferns, I think of you!  Every single time!

(AND I had JUST been thinking about and had written the word RESURRECTION down on a sheet of paper!)

I thought of you today and how you prayed before going into situations.  It reminded me to slow down.

(I had no idea that you saw that in me.)

I shared what you said to me this morning and the devotional you emailed with a friend.  It meant so much to her.

(Sometimes I hope it will help, but I never really hear that it did.)

And a prayer from a friend via email–praying for my inner peace.  How did she know?

And a friend noticing my heaviness and speaking to me about it.

And a friend asking how she could pray for me.  I really am humbled every single time.

Finally, I read a note my Chris had written to our son, who turned 16 today.  I began to weep–over the pure love and goodness he spoke over our son, over the way those words will one day pierce our Noah’s heart again, to know that his father saw good things in him and perhaps one day he will walk in it completely and be confident in who he is and WHOSE he is.

Not much can touch my heart on some days.

But on others, like today, I feel the depth of it all–the wonder of a God, who notices, the beauty of mountains covered like powdered sugar, the joy of being reminded that we matter and the goodness of seeing mighty words spoken over our son, Noah.

I think the contrasts in my own life make such words stand out so starkly, like THAT is how it is supposed to be!

Sometimes, we must weigh the words spoken over us and learn to not make much of the empty, hard, mean and threatening words…and to amplify the wondrous words, the beautiful, the powerful, life-changing words of LIFE.

And let that touch our hearts…in a weighty way.



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